A fine line between struggle and failure

Keeping our identities separate from pain

If you are struggling with something, that doesn't mean you are failing in life.

Lately, one question has been coming across my mind a lot that am I a failure? I do try to avoid saying that word to myself but since a few weeks, I couldn't help myself to let go of that question from my mind and that low feeling.

Many issues have been the same, that I haven't figured a way out of yet and some are different. It's been a long time since I started a page on Instagram that I have many dreams for but it hasn't grown much. When Dad asked, "It's been a long time now, when will you grow and do something with it ? " a couple of days ago, I replied by saying "It takes time, " like I always do but deep inside now I kind of feel tired and that question " will it ever happen ? " numbs me. Of course, it's not only about numbers, I love to write, and I will continue because that's my dream, I love to write beyond anything, I like to connect to you all and I know we will grow eventually as I'll learn more and put better work out that I haven't managed to yet, but right now, that's how I'm feeling.

I lost a connection with someone a couple of months ago that I cherish the most. The connection that was very special and in my mind, it's something that I was hoping to turn into something beautiful in the future.

When I open my diary, I see I have written many goals for 2023, and now with only 3 months left for this year to end, I can see I haven't achieved much. There is nothing this year that I can point out and feel somewhat proud of, except starting this newsletter, and there are a few other things that hurt.

Happiness starts within, and I'm learning to be happy, regardless of what outer situations are, and I know things will change, but when I sit, and reflect on the past 3-to 4 years, and my current life, these thoughts of being a failure start to creep in, and they make me numb.

I don't share these things. If you know me, you know what I mean and this is not because I feel like you will judge me, or anything, but I don't share because I don't feel comfortable. I don't want to sound like complaining or want anyone to feel sad for me because I'm okay with this. I'm grateful for my life. I take the whole responsibility for all but since I started this newsletter, I promised myself to be more transparent here and thought maybe someone would relate their life situations to me, hence I'm sharing this.

Often when one thing starts to go wrong or we struggle with, we feel like our whole life is failing. We attach it to our identities. One breakup, one unsuccessful marriage, one person, a friend or someone else leaving us, losing one job, one unsuccessful attempt towards our dreams, one failure in exam, one rejection, a period of depression or unproductivity, one comment by someone on our worth and life, phase where we don't know what to do with our lives and we feel like we have failed in life because of it and if some of those things happen on repeat, then that belief starts to get concrete.

We blame ourselves. We shame ourselves. We question our worth. We question our identity, the importance of our existence, and especially our future. We also try to believe we are good, people tell us "You'll be okay, chin up, let it go, stay strong " but deep down we can't help ourselves to shake off those emotions and thoughts of being a failure that makes us home inside.

Luckily while having these thoughts, I came across a beautiful movie clip last week that felt like a relief. In that clip, the person was talking to another person and he said,

“ The problem with people nowadays is when they are struggling with one or a few aspects of their lives, they make it their whole identity and think their whole life is a failure. They judge the whole book, without waiting to read the chapters they haven't read yet. They forget that they are beyond their struggles. They make their role as husbands and wives, their jobs, the amount of money they have in their bank as compared to other people, and opinions of people about them their whole identity but forget that before those things they are simple humans. They forget that there are people around them, who have lost everything even multiple times but got back up and built an incredible life. They forget their potential. ”

And that ended with a statement like, it's funny how they don't understand, it takes some energy to shame yourself, and be a victim or to give yourself love, and keep fighting in this one temporary life experience. But my friend, you choose to fight, life always gets better.

It felt liberating. It gave me a different perspective, and when I thought about it, I realized I was actually thinking the wrong way about everything before. I was thinking about struggling as failing, making it my whole identity. I was making things bigger than they were.

My intention in writing this is to let you know that you are not failing in life if you struggling right now with anything. You are not failing, if you are not where you are in your life or your life looks messy. I don't know what you are praying and hoping to have, or what you wish you had with you right now, but I know that it doesn't make you less of a person without it.

Maybe one relationship that you had and you gave your all ended, maybe you are not in a relationship for a long time or at the age people judge you to be single, maybe you loved someone a lot but they didn't value you, maybe you feel alone, maybe you haven't got your dream job yet, maybe you don't know what to do with your life, maybe you are giving your best, but not getting results, maybe you have no close friends, and situation can be anything, but know it's not your whole identity. You are not your pain. It's just one aspect of your life out of many and it doesn't define you. It's okay to be where you are in your life.

You are a human and you can't always be at your best, and even at your good. You fall, and you get up and sometimes fall for long and that's okay.

Know that this pain has some purpose. Look for what it's teaching you. Give yourself time and be gentle and remember something good will surely come out of it surely.

And don't just let these words be something that you read and let go. Let them sink in. Of course, it won't take all your pain away, but just make yourself realize that you are more than what you think. Talk to yourself, give yourself the support and love you need.

This shall pass. Whatever it is, whatever you are going through or something that deep down you feel upset about, you won't always feel that way.

You are not a failure and you will never be.

Stay blessed, Varun